It appears to me that there is an epidemic sweeping my fine nation which no one is willing to address head-on, and for once in our lives, it has zero to do with obesity.
I know its hard to look at. Just remember to keep breathing in and out and go to a calm place in your mind.This, caring reader, is a morph suit, and according to Party City ads, its the new big thing to wear to all of your social gatherings. All of them.
It started innocently enough with Halloween. The commercials showed them in line with all their other costumes and Halloween garb on display at low low prices. It was new and strange and even welcome then. I’m all for anything that can get us away from the costume genre of “slutty-insert random noun” And hey, I can’t imagine meeting anyone creepier or scarier at a Halloween party than the man inside that suit, more than likely asking all the ladies to put the lotion on their skin. He belongs in Halloween.
But as usual, the problem with terror is keeping it from bleeding into the rest of the world. A mere two months after Halloween, while caught totally off guard, we meet this guy:
There’s little to no chance that this image is not haunting children’s nightmares as we speak. I’m pretty sure if you asked anyone what the absolute worst rendition of Santa would be they would mention the following three things: 1) his package is out on display; 2) he’s in head-to-toe skin-tight lycra; and 3) he looks like he crawled out of the most violent and disturbing scene in Pulp Fiction. On a side note, I’m pretty sure that trash bag is filled with severed limbs and the screams of children.
Then we came to Valentines Day…
And St. Patrick’s Day…
And now, graduation parties!
This picture is from the Party City website, whose ad on television promotes these for graduations “from kindergarten to college.” Really, Party City? We want the giant anthropomorphic condom to be congratulating our kids on learning their shapes and colors? The only reason I can see for this is to teach children early on in their academic career that the real world is a freaky, twisted place, so you’d better get used to it now. Let this terror haunt and motivate you. Happy graduation Jimmy.
It doesn’t look like this trend will be stopping anytime soon. They’re already putting out American flag suits for Fourth of July horrors. My only option to escape the grasp of this face-less, gender-less mass of creepy is to defect to the UK and…